I can’t remember when he stopped calling me LOVE
It was somewhere around five years of age
Perhaps I was becoming a lady already and this, Somehow
Was a threat to him
Mostly he was my hero
Dark haired robust fit and handsome
Outdoorsy like me
The dogs did what he said
He could fix things
Drive fast
Always Up early and energetic
Hard working
Knew stuff of the earth
Peter Jackson cigarettes lined the Ute dashboards
And he could shift sheep or cattle riding a horse
Like a john Wayne
He never once said I love you
Maybe he did but I never heard it
My mother and he laughed on occasion
Although
Very very rarely
He was young and vibrant
Mum was an exotic naive innocent lady
She rebelled in manners truth and trust
Of course this was the devil he danced with
From day one
Secret outings and rendeavue
Controlling money and her every movement
Andrew and I were accessories
Perhaps still are
To his wild selfish agendas of get what you want and run
He had
Or seemed to have no soul
At times
But act on ego
Destroying whomever was on his path
Usually for financial gain or status
Nothing about sharing ever seemed
To enter his consciousness
I grew up with a father who resented me
And a mother who attempted to
In her mild meek yet
incredibly strong ways
attempt to make up for it
For his moods
His bellowing
His anger tirades
His disrespect
Put downs
And lack of affection
His glares
His impatience
His rudeness
His lack of emotion
Or connectedness
She reeked silver goddess
Still does
Very much the true
Wise beautiful, now widow
sage
He reeked Prince charming or the devil; no in between
One or the other
Polarity his middle name
Capricorn energy leaking through every cell
Rage and passion not lacking
His patience
At best minimal
He could be scarey
My brother did o.k
He got away early
Sent to boarding school then overseas
He just shut his mouth and stayed away generally
Aquarian in his head
Whilst I was left home to witness wear and breathe the contempt my parents threw at one another
Conscious audible and not
It’s often the unsaids that cut the deepest
Mum was passive
Which gave him even more freedom
Why she didn’t get out then and there I have no idea
I held his fire
I am his fire
Generally
I am
after all his only, as far as I know daughter
This fire. Maybe it scared me too
Yet propelled me to sporting determination and occasional greatness
I played national level sport
I am sure she feels the same thing
Why didn’t she just get away
Early
For the kids
For her
For
Our
Sanity
We all have wings to fly
Eventually
She is free of him
A bit harder now her soulman is not
Around to protect herthough
She is not free of the torture of us having no dad
She switches off
She must
This has undercurrents
No male figure leading her daughter and son
I tend to have feminist views
No; I am not a man hater
Sometimes though I nearly feel I am
A deserted island with entirely women occupants has always appealed to me
I, Dare I say it
Try, allbeut now in a minimal.way
And love him
I do not like him
But I love him
It just sits better
I have to live with this
It’s no biggie
He didn’t hit mum or I
or anything
Just put locks on the petrol bowsers
Transferred money so I would pay his taxes even as an undergraduate
mental scars and abuse that only mum and I know the extent of
Mental abuses etches through my ribs even now
I can feel when I exhie his words of not being good enough
Too slow
Not this not that
Have I seen how fast she is how good she looks how smart and rich she is
Last encounter after four years of no contact
He sat in the driver’s seat of his mercedes
Chewing a sandwich
Open mouthed
Audible
Rude
Repulsive
A knot slithered through my stomach
My throat closed over and not one part of me
Felt relaxed
Or alive
And he chose to not even look at me
Eye to eye
Am I really that ugly?
Too hard to look at?
Lack of eye contact to me
Is and will always be a cop out
Who is actually hiding?
He mumbled I hear you want to borrow a car
You’re not going back to queensland
No hi. How are you.
Or even a fake or half hug
Which, I would have been grateful for
I was going in with a half open mind
Be kind
Mum said it’s about time he helped
I walked away thinking
I never want to see you again
Again
For the umpteenth time
Poor little rich girl strikes out
Again
He did look like shit
His sister had just passed away
And i am sure he must fear death now himself
Normal folk it would soften
Make one want to give a little more
I would
He had gotten fatter
I was shocked to see his dishevelled appearance and his apparent non care
Greyer
Eyes still blue
They are mine
Afterall
My blue eyes
Fire and light
And life
Yet cheeks sagging
Red
Kind of heart attack material
He looked old
And yuck
And made me feel beyond yuck
I am reminded why I tend to do ANY THING
to stay away from this narcissist who can rip me to shreds in an instant
I have had times where I could dissolve it all
He could not even say sorry to my mother
His wife of thirty four years
Sorry for the loss of your partner
Like she is an complete stranger to him
Her beloved
Her soul mate
Her lover
Her walking partner
Her driver
Her confidence
For ten years
All over resentment
And the cage
a bitter
Divorce battle does
Even now
Divorces ruin lives
And families reel in havoc and silence or eventually cracks and crevices leak out through silent gods and vampires and become death disease cancer depression and illness
Being dead alive
There is no worse ailment
Really
Being dead alive
And families disintegrate
And one has to
Learn to rely on yourself
I had my cat
Dogs
the pines
Lovers lane
my fake gun
cowboy hat
and the lush green hills to run in
Thank God
The land saved me
Only thing that did
Still does
And My daddy
My so-called protector
Whomever he is
My strong beautiful male figure who could do anything
rescue animals fix tractors belt the primary school bully Or parent if need be
The man I and my mother countlessly
Stuck up for despite his wrongdoings or harsh embarrassing behaviours
The man I lost at five years old
I remember being in the porch
Pleading to go with him.on outdoor duties
I loved it
I was his motorbike princess
And it was like something stopped.
No more love. Or honey not that either of my parents ever called me honey
Bit there was this switch
This disconnect
Yet
May be
He
Or I
Was never there to begin with
Mum’s father
My beloved papa
Podge
My male heart figure
Would say
” Nobody is better
Than anybody else ‘
Sage words.to.live by if only our politicians would listen
Patriarchy or hierarchy systems fail and divide souls
Look after our own first I say
Life is short
Love hard
hug often
Lots
It can save lives
Dream and give
While you still can
All I have
Anna
anna grace musings 